she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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