I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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