at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you had me at cake vodka
The struggles of a small town man whore
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
