my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
