Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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