We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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