what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
