If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
