I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
