I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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