i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
