You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
