don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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