Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
