I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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