After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
