dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
