I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
