I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
