At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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