I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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