Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
