he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
