never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
