I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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