Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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