I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Houston, we have a squirter
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Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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