This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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