i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
