question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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