The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
