3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I should be sponsored by Trojan
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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