That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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