she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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