you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
