Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
