i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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