I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
