She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
