Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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