I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
