i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
