She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
