i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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