I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
