woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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