Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
