Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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