the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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