I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
