I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
