Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
