She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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