Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
