Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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