hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
