I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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