dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
