The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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