i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
